( rock music playing )
WOMAN: One, two. One, two, three, four!
♪ I've been out of the woods For six days and nights now ♪
♪ And I'm a little hard-wired But I'm feeling All right now ♪
♪ I got some money in my pocket And I won't need a ride Yeah ♪
♪ Got a big-jetted car And a baby by my side, yeah ♪
♪ Well, I'm a little hard-wired But I'm feeling okay ♪
♪ And I got a little lost Out along the way ♪
♪ But I'm just Around the corner To the light of day ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I'm just around the corner To the light of day, yeah ♪
♪ I'm drivin' 500 miles Got 500 to go, yeah ♪
♪ I've got rock 'n' roll music On my radio ♪♪
Look, Debbie!
Oh, my God, hi! How are you?
We watch your show all the time. Good to see you.
Thank you. Thank you. All right. You have a good day.
( all screaming ): Bye!
MAN: They say the only luck is the luck you make.
In the winter of '88, I was the luckiest man alive.
I had it all-- fame, fortune and my own parking space...
at Harrisburg's trendiest bistro.
I would have done anything to keep it all.
And, unfortunately, I did.
Jack, how are ya? Good morning, Mr. Richards.
Did you get a haircut? Oh, yes.
Yeah, it looks good. Don't get too good-looking. I'll be out of a job.
( chuckles ): Oh, how about this winter weather, eh?
Farmer's Almanac sure didn't get it right this year.
"Caterpillar in June, cold winter soon." That's what they said.
Well, amateurs, jack. Hillbilly folklore, that's all it is.
You should write your own almanac, Mr. Richards.
Something people could believe in.
Maybe one day I will, Jack. Maybe one day I will.
Enjoy your breakfast. Good morning.
Wendy, how are you? Just fine.
Yeah. How's the cold? Oh, it's just allergies, I think.
Really? Oh, not allergic to me, are you?
No. ( laughs ) I don't think so.
You're so bad. Guilty as charged.
I'll be right back with your cantaloupe and egg whites.
Okay. You pick me a ripe one. Excuse me, Mr. Richards.
I'm sorry to bother you, but can I get a picture?
Well, sure. It's my son's birthday,
and he saw you walk in.
What's your name, Skipper? Sam.
Sam. Well, you're a big fella, Samarino.
How old are you today? Twenty-seven?
( chuckles ): I'm five.
Five? Well, how's the wife?
All right. Happy birthday.
Thanks for coming by. All right. Thank you.
Oh, you gotta love it. Wow.
You're Russ Richards, aren't you?
Last time I checked. Well, hello!
Hi. Here.
Let me guess. Mmm. It's a resume of some sort,
and you're looking for a job in broadcasting.
Yeah, just read it. Asshole.
You are Mr. Lucky today.
I found you the ripest melon in Harrisburg.
CHIPMUNKS: ♪ Christmas don't be late ♪♪ Fuck!
ANNOUNCER: Live from Harrisburg and News Center Six.
Covering Harrisburg, York, Lancaster and Lebanon,
it's News at Five with Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...
and Russ Richards with the weather.
This is News at Five.
MAN: Good evening. A Perry County teacher is behind bars tonight...
for allegedly locking an unruly student in a broom closet.
That story coming up.
But first, let's check in with the weather center...
to see if these beautiful spring-like temperatures will continue.
Russ? Yes, it's the middle of December,
and we still have more 60-degree weather heading our way.
Now don't panic, folks. You're not in the twilight zone.
( humming theme from Twilight Zone )
Now, on the downside, if the weather gets any nicer,
my Aunt Mildred could move back from Ft. Lauderdale.
Just kidding. A wonderful woman.
Anyhoo, I'll be back with a complete forecast a little later.
Take it, Dan.
Thanks, Russ. We'll check in with you later.
MAN: And now the fourth.
WOMAN: Eleven.
MAN: And the fifth number, please.
Hi, Russ. WOMAN: Thirty.
Hey, Dottie. How are you?
Oh, still struggling with the diet. Oh, yeah?
Don't get too thin. It's not good for you.
Eight.
MAN: And there you have it.
Tonight's Pennsylvania lottery number: 19, 47,
3, 11, 30, 8.
If you have it, come and get it.
If not, better luck next time. Back to you, Dan.
We gonna talk about this? There's nothing to talk about, cochise.
I told you no more loans. Penn Fed's down the street. This is not--
This is not a loan, this is an advance. Stop acting like it's coming out of your pocket.
If you didn't piss your money away, you wouldn't need an advance.
Now what is it this week-- racquetball courts? Peewee golf?
Snowmobiles. You know it. I told you that.
Jesus Christ. It's exhausting with you.
Snowmobiles. How's business?
When this heat wave ends, I'm golden.
Well, you're the weatherman. End it. ( groans )
Where the hell is he? Crystal!
How many times do I have to tell those guys about the cables?
I almost broke my fucking neck on live television!
Yeah.
Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you were in the middle of a meeting.
No, it's okay. It's okay. Calm down.
Calm down. You know--
Come with me. I have to leave, of course.
I talked to them about this thing. It's never gonna happen again.
All right? Just relax. It's not gonna happen again.
Hi, boss. Hello. How you doing, Bobby?
I can't do the Olive Garden tonight.
( scoffs ): My wife invited a few people over.
I've gotta eat at home. That's just great, Dick.
No, you know what? I am tired of this bullshit.
Hey, hey, hey. Easy. Come on.
Remember, we got that affiliates thing coming up.
Uh-huh. Six days in Hawaii.
Mm-hmm. Eating like pigs.
Christ, you got some body on you.
( giggles ): Tell me something I don't know.
Do we have anything else to talk about? I think we're through here.
Unless you want to torture me about the fucking weather chopper.
Like that was a bad idea. Weather chopper?
Come on, I'm a weatherman. You know what the truth is?
I feel bad for you, Dick. I do.
Because one day you're gonna wake up, and you're gonna realize...
that you had a diamond in the palm of your hand and you let it slip away.
To where, Atlantic city?
Oh, that's what this is about. To be a big game show host.
That's right. I hear everything.
I'm like a satellite in outer space. Did you get your audition?
My agent is all over it. Right.
RUSS: Mace Kornberg, please.
Yes, this is Russ Richards. Mm-hmm.
You know, this is getting a little ridiculous.
I've already left, like, five messages.
All right, your boss, Mace Kornberg, saw me on TV, okay?
He loved me, okay? He wants to represent me.
We-- we sat at my personal booth at Denny's...
for over an hour, and I told him all about myself.
And now for some reason, he's not returning my phone calls.
Well, what part of that was too long?
Well, just-- just tell him that Russ Richards called, okay? Thank you.
( sighs )
What's happening? Still not there?
Nah, but, you know, the whole agency is out for the week.
A retreat or something. What's a retreat?
Oh, I'm not sure, but I think it's a religious thing.
Hey, I got some great news for you. Oh, yeah?
Yeah, remember I told you about my brother's car, the one that was in a wreck?
For the sake of expediency, I am going to say yes.
Well, he's finally ready to sell it.
It's all pounded out, repainted, and ready to go.
Beautiful lime-green finish. Looks just like a popsicle.
Now, Larry, is there some reason that I should know this?
Well, just if you decide the Jag is too much of an extravagance, you know.
I'm not selling the Jag.
I'd sell my body parts to South America before I'd sell that Jag.
Okay. You're the boss.
Yeah, I am the boss. And here's another news flash for you.
I'm not losing the house either.
You know what you laymen fail to realize?
It's not about the snowmobiles. Come on.
It's about the weather, okay?
One cold front, a little moist air, and bam!
Yeah, I'm Rockefeller. I'm on Broadway. I'm doing the cha-cha-cha.
Yeah!
( moaning ): Oh, God!
Oh, whip me forever! Oh! Oh! Oh!
( both moaning )
( Russ sighs )
Boy, whew! That is always such a treat.
Oh, with Dick, it's like having sex with a sloth.
Don't put that image in my head.
Here. Try this just one time.
No. Yeah, it'll help you relax.
No! I don't even want a contact high. It makes me nauseous.
You shouldn't even be smoking it. You're the lotto girl.
You practically work for the state. Put it out.
Okay, I'm putting it out.
I have a question to ask you. Yeah?
If you had an agent, and you tried to get him for two weeks,
you tried eight times and he didn't return your call, what would you think?
Um-- Huh?
I can't relate. I've never had a guy not call me back.
Oh! I just don't get it.
When I met-- I met this guy, he was-- he was gushing.
He wanted to do this for me, he wanted to do that.
I've had my ass kissed, but this was really special.
So, he is officially your agent, right? It's not like you just had that one meeting.
It's splitting hairs here, you know.
I mean, it was clear he wanted to sign me.
You know what he said to me?
He said that I delivered the weather forecast with a Shakespearean flair.
( chuckles ): Was he drunk?
No, he wasn't drunk. What's wrong with you?
Look. If the guy's not returning your calls, then fire his ass.
Just hire someone else. What's the biggie?
Do you know who Mace Kornberg is? Uh-uh.
Do you have any idea of the pedigree of this man? No.
Here's a little primer for you.
He only handled Gene Rayburn at the height of the Match Game.
That's all.
Wow. All right, so he is kind of a big shot.
Yeah, congratulations. You just won the Cutlass.
I wouldn't be caught dead driving a Cutlass, thank you. I'll trade it in.
Well, how about door number two?
Old reliable.
( giggles ): Wait.
You're in a very small, select group of guys.
What is it that makes you successful...
and all the others knocking on the doors not so successful?
Well, I'm not so sure. You know, as I travel around the country,
I see on television, I see guys that would make good game show hosts.
But I don't tell them.
No. I think, to me, the analogy is a game show host is the icing on the cake,
but the format is the cake.
Yeah, format is the cake. To me, Dick Clark,
for all the things he does, is an outstanding game show host.
He stays out of the way. He lets the format work.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's your host, Russ Richards!
( TV continues, indistinct )
So, Russ, it sounds like we can keep those scarves and mittens...
in mothballs a while longer then.
That's what it sounds like, Dan.
And the sleds and snowmobiles can stay in the garage.
That is correct, Heidi. I think we all get the point.
DAN: Thanks, Russ. We'll check in with you later.
( answering machine beeps ) Hello. You have one message.
( beep )
MAN: Uh, yes. This message is for Rob Richards.
This is Sandy from the Gabler-Kornberg agency.
I'm sorry no one got back to you sooner, but we were away on a retreat.
Apology accepted, Sandy.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know...
that Mr. Kornberg is dead.
He passed away around eight months ago.
Oh! I'm sure had he not, he would've returned your call.
Oh, jeez! For what it's worth, he went quickly.
Yeah. Yep. Bye-bye.
( beep ) That was your last message.
( sighs ): Yep, that was my last message.
( rock music playing )
Russ, let me get this straight. You don't drink.
You don't do coke. You're not a pussy hound.
Well, what the fuck did you blow your money on?
It just-- It just went, okay?
Does it matter? What was that?
That's Carla, the human cannon.
Oh, she's good. She's Dutch.
Russ, we go way back. Right.
And I like you. I do. I'm a fan. But 25 grand.
I just don't think I can lay my hands on that kind of money.
Oh. Especially now.
I'm going through a very messy divorce.
I'm sure you understand. Sure.
I do now.
Okay. Take care, Gig. Thanks a lot. Take care.
Hypothetically speaking though, it's not like you're a man without options.
What do you mean?
Well, you do have options.
What are they? Come. Speak up. Hello?
Take your glasses off.
( hums ) Well, what is that?
Russ, I assume you have insurance on your dealership.
Yeah, so?
Don't you think now would be the appropriate time to, you know,
make a few claims on, you know, some of those premiums?
Oh, God. Oh, jeez!
Are you talking about arson?
The last thing you want to get involved with, mate, is arson.
Well, that's right. Yes, of course not.
No, the way to beat an insurance company these days is with a phony robbery.
Oh, God. ( scoffs )
You are veering in that direction. That makes me very uncomfortable, Gig.
First of-- look. If I weren't, okay, the president of the Rotary,
the vice president of the Sunshiny Day Club...
and I'm a Big Brother, Gig.
Russ, it's your money.
( sighs )
The insurance company is earning interest off it.
I mean, the whole "man of the people," nice guy thing,
it's very quaint, but don't you think it's time to put a cap on it, hmm?
( exhales )
Well, how would it work?
You know, like, you know, hypothetically speaking.
How would, you know, how would it go down?
Well, it's nothing. No?
If I were to put it in medical terms...
where you would equate brain surgery with a bank robbery,
this would be like a visit to the podiatrist.
Hmm. And it just so happens...
I have an acquaintance named Dale who is a specialist in this sort of thing.
It's a very simple procedure, Russ.
The whole thing would take... 40 minutes.
Forty? Wow.
Forty minutes, tops.
Dale arrives at your dealership on a prearranged night with his crew.
MAN: ♪ It's so easy to blow up Your problems ♪♪
( music continues ) Finds his way inside.
Leaves the telltale signs of a break-in...
and gains entrance.
Then it's just a simple matter of getting the sleds out the back door.
I mean, the actual extraction process is the easiest bit.
And, uh, that's that.
All that's left is between you and your insurance company.
End of story. Easy as pie.
I, of course, would command you know, the standard 20% consultation fee.
I figured that. You know, it's up to you, Russ.
I mean, only you know if you're ready for something like this.
That visit to the podiatrist.
Well, it's like removing a bunion or something.
An ingrown toenail, at the very most.
Funny. Okay. Okay. Well, make the call then.
Good choice.
♪ I was in the right place But it must have been The wrong time ♪
♪ I was saying the right things But I must have used The wrong line ♪
♪ I was on the right trip ♪ All right.
Let's do this cocksucker.
( music continues ) All right. Let's do it.
♪ I've been runnin', tryin' To get hung up in my mind ♪
This is so cool. You can just come in here anytime you want.
Yeah, I got the keys, don't I?
All right. This one's for Charlie Hustle, okay?
The pricks wanna keep him out of Cooperstown?
♪ I was in the wrong place But it must have been The right time ♪
Home run. ♪ I was in the right place ♪
It's happening right this second. Send a squad car now!
♪ I was in the right world But it seemed like a wrong Wrong, wrong, wrong ♪♪
( sirens wailing ) Come on. Move it!
Let me just ask you one question, your honor. Where's my bat?
Don't worry about your bat, asshole.
( phone ringing )
( ring )
Yeah? I'm gonna break your fuckin' face, man.
What? You better have a bag of money down here...
the split fuckin' second they set bail, or I'm going to tell them who hired me.
Who is this? I also want an extra ten grand for pain and suffering.
Are we clear, weatherman? No, we're not clear.
We're the furthest thing from clear.
I don't even know who you are.
Look. A second ago I was asleep.
And two seconds ago, I was in a blueberry field with my mother,
and we were getting along really well.
Save that bullshit for your psychiatrist. I want my ten grand.
Stop it! Stop saying that!
I don't have ten grand to give you. Oh, no?
You'd better sell something or kill someone. I don't care!
You just get me my fucking money!
What-- ( dial tone )
( sighs )
Okay, Russ. It's gonna be a better day.
WOMAN: Russ Richards! Hi! How are you?
Merry Christmas.
Okay. Mmm.
Scoop-a-doop, Russ, love. What are you doing here?
Problem. What?
Dale the thug's getting a bit pissy about his ten grand.
Dale the thug? Dale the thug?
That's his nickname? When did that happen? Yeah.
Oh, that's childhood issues. Trust me, you don't wanna know.
He was fine for a day or two, but now he's had time to stew, you see?
Good morning. What can I get you?
Can I have coffee? But with whole milk. Okay.
And do you have those little apple pastries? Wendy.
The apple pastries with the cinnamon swirls. He's not staying.
He's leaving, okay? Okay.
Okay. All right. Thanks for asking.
( giggling )
I cannot be seen with you. I am a public figure.
Russ, you don't return my calls. I'm doing you the favor.
And if there's a Dale the thug issue on the table, time tends to be of the essence.
Gig, I'm tapped out. All the money I got for the Jag, I barely covered his bail.
I am not having this conversation here with you.
Th-there's an omelette named after me, for God's sake!
What's in it? You leave that alone!
You leave and just go!
Really? Really. I'll follow you. Yes!
Hmm. Well, I'll--
Um, Russ, I'll just be outside then?
Oh, God! Right?
Let's go. On top of everything else,
they've impounded his baseball bat as evidence.
He bought it at an auction. Pete Rose hit with it or some shit like that.
He shouldn't have used it then. Christ, even a plumber knows...
to take his ring off before he snakes the drain.
Well, you screwed up, he got pinched.
I-I did not screw up!
I can't control the sexual appetite of my employee.
I mean, either way, you're gonna have to pay for it.
You know, why don't you just do this? Take-- Just-- Just get it over with.
Why don't you just set up an appointment at his convenience...
to come break my legs or kick me in the nuts, or whatever he does?
Well, you know what? I very much doubt it'll be the latter.
That's practically how he treats his friends.
You know, Russ, I've been thinking about your situation,
and it occurs to me that sometimes in life...
the greatest opportunities are sitting right under your nose.
The only thing under my nose is this place mat with the presidents up to Carter.
Am I missing something? The lottery.
Oh, that is so stupid!
You think that my playing the lottery is going to solve all my problems?
Not playing the lottery, winning the lottery.
You got that lotto ball machine down at the station, right?
All I'm saying is a little razzle-dazzle, you're set for life.
Gig, I just came off a botched phony robbery.
Let me bask in that for a while before I start thinking about tampering...
with the fucking state lottery!
I'm not talking out of my ass here.
I do have experience with this sort of thing. Really.
Yeah. About ten years ago, Great.
before I washed up on these golden shores,
I rigged a bingo game in my local church hall.
Church hall, huh?
Weighed down a few ping-pong balls, Bob's your uncle!
I walked away with a fucking lawn mower.
Oh, a lawn mower. Wow. This is not War and Peace,
merely the concept of gravity.
No, no, the concept of gravity...
is when you fall down and you break your head open.
Well, your glass is obviously half empty.
No, Gig, my glass is totally empty.
Watch it! Hate you!
Calm down! Bastard!
Calm down. You're acting like a child.
Stop! Calm down, please. You promised!
What do you want me to do? What's going on?
Everything's fine. Thank you.
She told me she wanted to go. What do you want me to say? "I'm sorry,
I'm banging the lotto ball girl, and I promised her first."
I don't believe this 'cause I bought sandals in December for no reason!
Well, I'll take you the next time. In June, I have a conference in Seattle.
Take your wife to fucking Seattle, all right?
I wanted to go to Maui, you asshole!
Oh, I'm an asshole. Am I the same asshole...
that takes you out to dinner and buys you fancy European underwear?
Try to get that from the weatherman,
who I notice you've been awfully chatty with these days.
Blow me.
Is everything okay? Yes, everything's fine!
MAN: ♪ I'm dreamin' of a white ♪
♪ Christmas ♪
♪ Just like the ones ♪
♪ I used to know ♪
♪ Where the treetops glisten ♪
♪ And children listen ♪
♪ To hear sleigh bells In the snow ♪
♪ Oh, I'm ♪
♪ Dreamin' of a white ♪♪
( music fades ) I have to ask you something.
What? Oh, God. Oh, God.
I don't know how to ask you this. ( exhales )
Just ask. I wouldn't blame you if you said no.
As a matter of fact, I already expect you to say no.
But I need your help on something.
( screams ): We're gonna be millionaires! I can't believe this!
I have to admit, I thought it would be a slightly harder sell.
All right, most important thing...
is getting alone with that machine...
five minutes before and five minutes after the broadcast.
That's key. Absolutely. That's as key as it gets.
Five minutes before, five minutes after. Did you hear that, Crystal?
I'm two inches away. How could I not hear it?
You better start taking notes, 'cause when Gig and I start hashing it out,
there's gonna be lot of gold flying around here, and I don't want to miss any of it.
Okay? N-Now the first piece of gold is this. Yeah.
I think someone should call in a bomb scare.
Then the building gets evacuated, and I'm alone with the lotto balls.
Okay? Are you writing this down?
When we decide, I will write it down. It's good, right?
Russ, um, forgive me. Just a second.
You call in a bomb scare, they evacuate the building, Mm-hmm.
and shut down the broadcast.
Right, and then the firemen will come...
and then the policemen will come, so kind of a lame idea, you know?
All right. Jeez. It's just an idea.
It's a work in progress, for God's sake.
Even a painter's got to take the brushes and clean 'em.
Whatever that means.
You have any better ideas, Miss Smarty-pants?
Why can't I just distract Bobby somehow, the security guy?
And then you switch the balls.
No, uh, lame. That's lame. What?
No, that's brilliant.
Yeah? No, really, it's so simple,
it's brilliant.
In its simplicity, Russ. Simplicity. That's--
And movin' on. Okay, movin' on.
Movin' on, I guess.
Okay, next most important thing, right?
Uh-huh.
We need to find your beard?
What the hell's a "beard"?
You need someone to buy the ticket and claim the winnings.
But it has to be someone that you absolutely trust.
One beard. Check. Time out, folks!
There's not a person I would trust to do this thing.
Not a single person.
Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God. Okay. All right.
I buy the ticket in disguise.
Okay? And this eliminates all the outsiders.
That's the answer. That's it. Okay?
Yeah, yeah. Now we're cooking with gas, huh?
I mean, how would you disguise yourself?
What, as Charlie Chaplin? As the tramp or something?
( laughing ): Yeah, or no, like, from the Wizard of Oz.
The straw guy. The Straw Man.
Yeah, he could put hay in his clothes and wear a hat.
With a pom-pom on it? With a-- No one will know it's him.
Ooh, it's clever. Nobody would ever know!
No! Russ. It's the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.
Oh, okay. It's Dorothy, i-it's the Cowardly Lion,
it's the Tin Man, it's the dog, it's the flying monkeys...
and it's the Scarecrow.
If you're gonna make fun of me, get your facts straight.
Well, my apologies, sir. I am not the, uh, cartoon aficionada that you are.
It's not a cartoon, Crystal. So what?
It's a movie. Who gives a shit?
Children-- excuse me. ( arguing )
It's a movie! For God's sake. Calm down. Calm down.
Calm-- Calm down. Sorry.
Please? All right. Okay. Back to square one.
( chuckles ): Let's go.
Hey, I know. My Cousin Walter could do it.
Who? From Ohio.
He would be the perfect beard. He's this totally straight guy.
He doesn't even drink, and besides, he has a crush on me.
♪ The minute You walked in the joint ♪
♪ I could see you were A man of distinction ♪
♪ A real big spender ♪
♪ Good-lookin', so refined ♪ Oh. Walter.
♪ Say wouldn't you like to know What's goin' on in my mind ♪ You look great.
I got you these balloons. We should go. Thank you.
♪ So let me get Right to the point ♪
I got you a room at a lovely country inn.
♪ I don't pop my cork For every guy I see ♪
♪ Hey, big spender ♪
♪ Spend a little time With me ♪♪
Oh. It's so green and lush. RUSS: Oh! Look at this room.
RUSS: Oh, this is so great.
Look at this TV, a closet. God, look at the painting
with the Three Mile Island thing.
Oh, and this clock with a little light. It's so-- It's so modern-day.
CRYSTAL: Oh, shower curtain. Oh, Walter, look at this.
All-you-can-eat buffet. Oh. Right up the block! Oh.
( wheezing, coughing ) And towels. They're all prepared for you.
How comfy. What do you think? Yeah, what do you think?
( gasps ): Mold spores. What? Huh?
This room has a high content of mold spores.
My throat's closin' up. Oh, jeez.
( gasping, wheezing ) Oh.
( wheezing continues )
Are you-- Are you all right, Walter?
( wheezing )
Mm. Tsk.
( exhaling, gurgling )
( wheezing )
Oh, jeez.
All clear. All right! Hey, thank god
for modern medicine.
Yeah. Hey, Walter, test the bed.
It's a combination of the heat and moisture. That's what does it.
Oh, yeah? Yeah. Is it always this sticky in Harrisburg in the winter?
Well, you know, it's-- it's a fluke, of course,
but it's not entirely uncommon, no.
Uh-uh. W-why's that?
Well, okay, well, historically weather has been you know, unpredictable.
Yeah, well, w-why's that? Why?
( sniffling ) Well-- well, okay, you got...
your, uh-- you got your cold fronts and you got...
your warm fronts, and then you're talkin', uh, barometric pressure.
Well, without my gauges, I-I-- I love hotels.
Walter? Walter? Hey! Walter.
Yeah? Are you clear on what we're doin' here?
How long will it be be-before I get my money?
Oh, well-- Oh. Yeah, no.
Um, it's real simple, honey.
When we get our first payment, you just take your 20,000
right away. Right.
That's yours. Right. Tax-free.
( chuckling ): We want you to be happy, Walter. Oh.
Well, I could-- I could really use the money,
'cause m-m-my church needs a new furnace. ( chuckles )
Oh, well, that is so refreshing. Yeah.
And I'm gonna use the rest to open an adult bookstore.
Ah. Well, okay. Well, that's good. That's good too.
Yeah. Do you masturbate, Russ?
( nervous chuckling ): Jeez. I've been so busy lately, I barely polish my shoes.
'Cause I masturbate all the time. Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Some people think it's a sin,
but I think god gave us the ability to masturbate to protect us from sin.
Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah. I could-- I could see that.
Sure. Why not? I like sex.
There's a lot of sex in the Bible. Mm-hmm.
I'm sure there's a Bible here somewhere. Yeah.
Yeah, sure. S-So, we--
We're a team, right? Yeah, yeah, a team!
Yeah? ( chuckling ): Team.
( chuckling ) Ooh.
Yeah? Yeah?
Oh, I've got one. Let me pick. No, no, no, no, no!
Please, let me finish. Okay, 16. I wanna pick one.
Sixteen, okay? That's how old I was when I first got laid.
Really? Yeah. Okay.
Twenty-five. Okay, twenty-five. My mother's birthday.
January 25, 1912. All right. No, no. This--
No, the 25th was my anniversary,
and I got divorced, and I got screwed in that.
I didn't get a good settlement. Seventy.
I had a '70 Camaro, and I got in that bad car accident and got a huge settlement.
Oh, yeah. Famous whiplash. Okay. Remember? That's right.
Um, I got some randomly selected numbers, okay?
WALTER: These are like completely random.
Okay? Flick it like that. Make sure air gets--
Twenty-two, seventy.
Puncture. Then you inject a little paint into the ball.
You know, weigh 'em down. Sixteen.
Then we put a little glue over the hole.
Nine. RUSS: Isn't this fun?
Twenty-seven. RUSS: It's like summer camp.
It's like arts and crafts.
Seven. RUSS: The six we don't inject.
Those are gonna rise to the top. It's my birthday.
Get it? Okay. Those are the winning numbers.
RUSS: This is the concept of gravity.
Sweet, simple concept of gravity.
Here we go. Go. Ready?
Yeah! Whoo! ( Gasps ): Oh, my God!
That's brilliant. That is brilliant! All right. Go.
♪ And she wasn't gonna Sit around and wait ♪
♪ This guy was wise To all of the lies ♪
♪ And he flies Out the door ♪
♪ Easy money ♪♪
Will these warm temperatures continue? This is Russ Richards.
Catch me tonight in the weather center and find out.
Right here on Channel 6, WTPA.
Okay. Ready. ( groans )
( car horn blaring ) Yeah, hold on a second. You hear that?
I have been watching your show--
( horn blaring )
( woman on TV, indistinct ) MAN ON TV: Enough about me.
I don't know why. But I'm fine. I just don't know--
Make way. Give her space. Bobby! Oh, Bobby!
Thank god. Yeah. Crystal, you all right?
But I don't know what happened with the car. Come on. Give her space.
And I just had the car checked. Oh, that's crazy.
Yeah. Lucky you didn't hit your head.
Well, who knows? Maybe I did. I don't know.
Maybe you should see a lawyer.
Yeah, that's a good idea. I know a lawyer.
Do you? That's great, Bobby. Thanks.
Let me know if you want his name!
LOTTERY ANNOUNCER: Tonight's jackpot is $6.4 million!
Our machine contains 80 balls, and we'll draw 6 balls from the machine.
Drawing tonight will be Channel 6's lottery girl, Crystal Latroy.
Now, let's start the machine, please.
Now, Crystal, draw the first number.
Seventy!
And the second.
Twenty-two!
And the third.
Seven!
And now the fourth.
Sixteen!
And the fifth number, please.
Nine!
LOTTERY ANNOUNCER: And the sixth! Twenty-seven.
Twenty-seven!
LOTTERY ANNOUNCER: And there you have it.
Tonight's Pennsylvania lottery numbers: 70,
22, 7, 16,
9, 27.
If you have it, come and get it.
Good girl. If not, better luck next time.
Back to you, Dan!
ANNOUNCER: That about wraps it up for this edition of News at Five.
Enjoy the rest of your evening. We'll see you back here tomorrow night.
You can see all the Pennsylvania lottery drawings right here...
on WTPA, Channel 6.
Oh! My head! ( groans )
Crystal! I got you.
I got you. Come on, come on. Oh! Thanks, Bobby. Good.
No, let's-- Please, this way. No, this way's better.
No. This way! All right.
Oh, I'm not making any sense. Okay. Nice and easy.
I-I-I don't-- Oh! Nice-- I got you. I got you.
You feelin' better now? Ugh.
I don't know. Yeah.
Uh-huh. Thanks. I really do.
( gasps ): Oh. Oh!
Shit! Shit! Oh.
God! Stop it!
Stay in! Come on!
Get in!
Stay in, little mothers. Oh, shit.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay. ( sighs )
Hey! ( screams ): Oh, Bobby,
you scared me.
Are you sure you should be drivin'?
Why don't you let me give you a ride home?
No, I'm fine. I'm fine now.
Yeah. I had a Three Musketeers.
Okay, then. Get some sleep.
All right. Thanks, sweetie. Are you sure you don't want me to drive you home?
No!
Thank you, though. You're sweet.
Good afternoon, Lawrence.
Hey, Russ.
I've been thinking about you. Big news.
No, I have. First of all, this is for you.
Token of my appreciation for how hard you've been working. Thanks.
And let me tell you something else. A lot of people have been talking about you.
What people? Let's get another thing straight.
No one is stealing you away from me, because you are--
What are you? Number one.
That's right. Wow, it's quite an honor.
I don't know what to say. Well, don't say anything.
As our Jewish friends say, "Enjoy."
Look, Russ, remember I told you about my cousin's stepdad?
The one with the roadside fun park in Colorado,
in Leadville?
Well, if you did, my brain immediately purged it.
Well, I gave him a call, and I told him about our situation,
and he said he'd buy our whole inventory in one fell swoop.
Really? Well, how much?
Okay, well, here's where we run into a small asterisk.
Thirty thousand?
( laughs ): Who is this guy, Jesse James!
I oughta get in a Santa Claus outfit and give 'em away.
I just thought, you know, if the noose starts getting tighter.
"The noose"? Who am I talking to?
Is this Larry, the winner? Is this Larry number one?
Am I talking to the Larry that everybody's talking about?
Who's talking about me? Oh, hey.
Hey, hey, good. Good idea.
Good morning, sweetie. Hi. Hi.
So, where is it? What?
The ticket. I'm dying to see it.
Well, I have it. Don't worry.
I'm not worried. May I see it, please?
Well, actually,
I might hold on to it for a while.
What does that mean? Well,
first of all, how come I'm only getting $20,000?
I mean, I'm taking all the risk, right?
Walter? And, you know,
I'm-- I'm the one who's gotta cash it in.
What if they find out this was rigged?
No. W-W-What if th-they--
it's like this is a setup or some kind of, like, you know, an ambush.
I could get caught. I could get in trouble. That's not gonna happen.
No. Shh. Sweetie, listen. You're being really silly.
Okay? Now, we made a deal, and you agreed to it.
So let's just move forward as planned, okay?
No, why-- why can't we split it three ways?
The weatherman, you and me. Who the fuck are you?
I'm doin' all the work. You're lucky to even get a little bit, which is a lot.
Well, can we-- I'm family.
Go get the fucking ticket!
Now, give me the ticket, you jerk-off!
Get off me! You're a whore!
Stop it! Oh!
Do not fuck with me, you sick, masturbating retard!
Go ahead and rape me. That's what you want!
Shut up! Where's the ticket?
I'm not telling you, slut! I want that ticket now!
I'm telling your parents! Stop it!
Are you ready for the song "Bingo Was His Name-o"?
CHILDREN: Yeah! All right.
♪ There was a farmer had a dog And Bingo was his name-o ♪
♪ B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O ♪
WALTER ( gasping ): Where is it?
My-- My-- My-- My-- My puffer.
Your what? Stop it! What? Puffer! Puffer!
( wheezing, coughing ): My puffer! I can't breathe!
I'll get it. God. Get it. Thank you. Thank you.
Is this what you want, your puffer? Where's the ticket?
( wheezing ): I'm not telling you.
Fine!
( gasping, wheezing )
F-Fuck y-you. ( TV turns on )
( inhaler clicking, expelling mist )
TV: ♪ These days are all ♪ Walt, look. Happy Days is on.
♪ Happy and free ♪ ♪ Those happy days ♪
♪ These days all ♪ ♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Good-bye gray skies Hello blue ♪ ♪ Hello blue ♪
♪ There's nothing can hold me When I hold you ♪
♪ Feels so right It can't be wrong ♪ ♪ Can't be wrong ♪
( singing with TV ): ♪ Rockin' and rollin' all week long ♪♪
♪ The people on the bus Go yap-yap-yap ♪
♪ Yap-yap-yap Yap-yap-yap ♪
♪ The people on the bus Go yap-yap-yap ♪♪
MAN ON TV: Laverne de Fazio and Shirley Feeney!
Casablanca. LAVERNE: Casablanca.
Shit! MAN: Okay.
( screaming, yelling on TV )
Damn it!
Come on. Where is it?
Oh! Goddamn it!
Ugh.
( sighs ): I'm gonna puke.
Oh!
Yes. Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Yes!
Hey, Walt, met your girlfriend.
Cute.
( voice breaking ): Yes, I need an ambulance right away.
My cousin... had some kind of asthma attack.
He's not moving. Okay.
I can't believe it. I-I m in shock.
I thought he had one of those inhaler things.
His puffer? Yeah, I couldn't find it. Yeah.
You couldn't find it?
No, well, we couldn't find it at first.
And then when we did find it, it was all out of shit, out of juice.
Mist? Yeah, mist. It was out of mist.
Know what his last words were? What?
"Crystal, my sweet angel, Don't, don't.
"Go into my wallet and take the ticket,
'cause you and Russ deserve to have that money."
Oh, God!
Oh, fuck me. No fried clams?
Crystal? I know, baby. Hmm.
It's insensitive to-- Well, to bring up something at a time like this,
but I think we do have a little problem.
What?
Well, with Walter gone,
we have no one to cash in the ticket.
I mean, god rest his soul and everything. I wouldn't worry about that.
Why? I've got plenty of relatives.
In fact, I'll probably see a lot of them at Walter s funeral.
No. You know, I wouldn't bring them into this.
I mean, they've suffered enough. WOMAN: There's Russ Richards!
He's more handsome in person!
You know, it's times like this you wonder.
You wonder if there's a higher being out there.
I mean, maybe it was just Walter s time on earth-- All right! Key lime pie.
( rock music playing )
Hello, Jerry, mate. How are you? Gig.
Wanna hear a cute story?
I would love to hear a cute story.
You know I got a grandson, six years old?
That's a great age. ( chuckles ): Yeah.
He says to me the other day, he says,
"Pop-pop, when I grow up,
I wanna be a bookie and run a numbers racket just like you."
Ohhh.
I know. I melted.
And then he asks me, he says, "Pop-pop,
"when people play the numbers,
what number do they try to win?"
So I explain to him.
I say, "Sweetie, every week we bookies,
we get the number from someplace our customers know we can't control."
And he says, "Like Sesame Street?" Lovely that, isn't it?
( laughing ): It's amazing what these kids come up with, isn't it?
It's amazing. And I say, "No, no, no, no, not Sesame Street.
"We get the number from the lottery drawing on television,
"the last three digits of the real lotto,
"because everyone knows no one...
"can rig the state lottery,
which means no one can rig a bookie's number."
That's right. And he, he looks at me.
You know, big long look with these big brown eyes, and he says,
"And I bet no one can win either!" ( chuckles )
He's a genius. Kid's a genius.
After all, h-how often do I have to pay out?
Once, twice, three times a year. If.
If. So, moving right along.
Next day, guess what. I had 12 people hit the same number.
No shit! Yeah.
Which even a six-year-old kid knows... ( chuckles )
Statistically it's impossible.
Out of the realm of possibility. Can't happen.
I don't know what to tell you, Jerry. Here's the funny thing, though.
When I looked at the people who picked,
a pattern started to emerge.
Really? Yeah. Your ex-wife.
( laughing )
Your ex-wife. Your ex-wife's mother.
Her mother's sister. Your dentist.
Your cousin Vic.
A few other stray crinkly leaves from the family tree.
They all played variations on the same number.
You know, Jerry. Hmm.
If it wasn't for the fact that we are dear friends--
We are dear friends, right? Dear friends.
I would suspect that you are accusing me of something.
Of what?
I mean, Jesus Christ himself can't rig the state lottery.
Thank you.
Unless--
Unless Jesus had a buddy down at the TV station.
Ahh. Ahh.
Nah. ( chuckles ) A real stumper, huh?
Yeah, it's a fuckin' head scratcher, Jerry. A fuckin' head scratcher.
Fuckin' head scratcher, mate.
You know, I got some pals down at the D.A.'s office.
Always looking for a good head scratcher.
Now, Jerry, you never told me you had a grandson.
I don't.
( laughing )
Hello, Dale, love. How are you?
What you gonna do tonight, Kippy? Gonna watch Sportscenter.
You're gonna watch Sportscenter,
and you're gonna see if Winchell is still out with the knee thing.
JERRY: And if he's still out with the knee thing,
we gotta change the spread on Detroit, right?
Right. So what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna watch Sportscenter. Go home. Watch it. Good night.
Good night. [Car door slams, engine starts]
Beautiful. Lovely. Flat tire. ♪ Oh, the shark, babe, Has such teeth, dear ♪
Kippy? Kippy! ♪ And it shows them Pearly whites ♪
This is just lovely. ♪ Just a jackknife ♪
♪ Has old MacHeath, babe ♪ Just lovely.
♪ And he keeps it Out of sight ♪
Ah! ♪ You know when That shark bite ♪
♪ With his teeth babe ♪
♪ Scarlet billows Start to spread ♪
♪ Fancy gloves, though Wears old MacHeath, babe ♪
♪ So there's never Never a trace of red ♪
♪ Now on the sidewalk Huh, huh ♪
♪ Ooh Sunday morning uh-huh ♪
♪ Lies a body ♪
♪ Just oozin' life ♪
♪ Eek And someone's sneakin' ♪
♪ 'Tound the corner ♪
♪ Could that someone Be Mack the knife ♪♪
Nine!
ANNOUNCER: And the sixth.
Twenty-seven! Ooh, twenty-seven.
What the hell is she up to?
You're not smart enough to pull a thing like this off.
Balls are just laying there.
Hey.
( chuckling ): How are you? Hey!
Hey, you're that, uh-- you're the, uh--
Weatherman. Oh, shit!
Hey, I watch you every night! Yeah? Thank you.
Let me give you a hand. No, it's okay.
I insist! I can carry my own groceries, please.
Wow, man! It must be great having a job like yours, no?
Well, it, uh, it pays the bills.
Nah, you guys just read a bunch of crap from cue cards, right?
Cold in the east. A storm on the right. It looks like rain.
Aah! It's a little more complicated than that.
Let me ask you something. I'm trying to plan my birthday in a couple of months.
Can you tell me if it's going to be a nice day? It's gonna be grand.
Oh, right, hey, nice meeting you.
Always great to know a fan. Your name was?
Dale. Dale.
Yeah. The thug?
So, Russ, I just want to apologize about the last time we spoke.
I wasn't really feeling good. I was feeling sort of vulnerable.
I had fear issues come up, being arrested and all. That's okay.
Oh, yeah. Plus, I was drinking,
which I'm really not supposed to do, you know, on the medication.
Oh, I see. Can I have some of these?
Yeah, go ahead. You know, it wasn't a good moment.
I just wanted to make an amends.
Hey, listen, don't you worry.
The truth is, I should be apologizing to you.
I was gonna call you about the $10,000, but the station got so busy.
Don't worry about the ten grand, Russell.
It's water under the bridge. Really? Wow!
I didn't know that. All right then.
Okay, let's celebrate.
Yeah, I wanna move forward
because the new number I have in mind is more like half a mil.
( spits )
( clears throat )
Come here, Russ.
I rather not. Russ, come sit down.
No, no. Come on. Sit the fuck down!
Okay.
Unfortunately, Russell, we have a new wrinkle in the situation.
Oh, really? What's the wrinkle?
Basically I had to play piñata with Jerry the bookie's skull.
See, that ups the invoice a little. Is he okay?
No, he's dead. Oh! Oh, god.
You know, okay.
I'm really uncomfortable with this kind of conversation.
You know, not to mention,
I broke my 1986 World Series commemorative bat.
Oh, yeah? It was a birthday gift from my mother.
She's gettin' a little old, and she's not feeling good these days.
She hasn't left the house in six weeks. Okay, just give me--
You killed Jerry the bookie with a bat?
It's not like a half a mil is gonna hurt you, You crushed his skull?
With that lottery ticket of yours.
Get me the money, Russ. Ohh!
Great, Gig. We gotta talk about this.
I'll fuckin' ball-bat you, you creep cocksucker.
Okay, okay.
Okay. ( coughing )
Mint Listerine? Yeah.
When did they come out with this? I don't know.
Is it good? Yeah, it's good.
( tires screeching )
All right, look, just give this dale guy a little extra money.
Big deal. It's better than losing it all. Better than being dead too.
Crystal, he hits people with commemorative bats!
He's not gonna hit you with a bat. He's your friend.
What? Yeah. You wanna see the leather jacket I got?
He's not my friend. I just met this guy. How can he be my f--
Look-- $900. ( sighs )
Made in Italy. I'm not screwing around anymore, you know?
If it wasn't on a boat, I don't want it. Stop it, Crystal.
You have got to stop buying things from Italy. You are not a millionaire.
We-- We are not millionaires.
The first thing we gotta do is find a trustworthy, non-asthmatic person...
to cash in this ticket A.S.A.P., or we're dead.
Funny you should mention that.
I think I have another candidate who'd be perfect. Oh, yeah? Who?
This guy that I was seeing for a while when I was waitressing at the racetrack.
I think he still works there too. A real sweet guy.
Bought me a really expensive parrot, too, from Brazil or something.
My cat bit its head off.
You hated that fucking bird, didn't you, sweetie?
The racetrack, eh.
Well, actually, he's an unofficial employee.
He injects horses with some kind of shit that makes them run faster.
Forget it. Just cross him off the list. Forget him. Who else?
There is Scatter, the guy who installed my carpet.
Went to high school with him. The man's name is Scatter?
Yeah, well, he's a total coke freak,
which could work in our favor because he usually needs money.
No, junkies are problematic. Let's keep thinkin'.
Mm-hmm.
Wanna have sex? Oh, yeah.
You know, I-- I was just feeling good that day.
Yeah. I, uh--
I don't know what to say. I'm at a loss, boy.
I'm at a total loss.
I mean, here you are, supposedly injured, all right?
You're collecting your full lieutenant's salary and full disability.
I didn't even want to do this. Matt had to talk me into it.
You know how stupid I felt?
The lower back, it's an enigma.
Pat, I'm gonna be straight with you.
Obviously I have alternatives to pursue here, but I'm not gonna do it...
because-- 'cause I don't want this getting out.
All right? It makes everybody look bad.
From now on, you are back on full patrol.
Here, get started with this.
A missing person's case? Yeah, a bookie.
Jerry Green. No one's seen him for about a week.
Huh. Jeez.
What happened to him? I don't know, pat.
That's what you're supposed to find out.
Right. All right.
We talked earlier about the fact there's a shortage of wading pools in the area.
Dick? Judy said you wanted to see me.
Oh, hey, sport. Have a seat. Be right with you.
( chuckling ) Is that Chuck Rhodes?
This guy kills me.
I found Crystal too.
Oh, hiya, kid. Judy, close the door.
Okay. Thanks.
What's going on? ( laughing )
( TV turns off )
So, Russ, how's the finances? What?
The finances.
W-- Great. Good.
Because you seemed to be in a bind a few weeks ago. Well, that was then.
Terrific. And how are you, honey? We haven't talked in a while.
Did you know may left me? Jeez, I'm so sorry about that.
Life's tough. And how.
But you seem to be doing well. I'm great.
Why wouldn't you be great, with a friend like Russ here?
Yeah. Look at that, huh? Oh, jeez.
Oh, boy.
How 'bout that?
Don't say a word, not one.
'cause if I hear one bullshit comment like, "What are you talking about?"...
I'm gonna call the cops. What?
Wh-what do you mean? It slipped out, Dick. We're listening. Go ahead.
I chewed on it for three days,
and I'm convinced I have enough evidence to fuck you both up big time.
Bullshit. You don't have any evidence. What is that?
Stop it. Shut up. You shut up. You shut up.
Shut up! No. That's bullshit.
Dick, you have the floor. You have the floor.
Go ahead. Short and sweet.
I want half the money,
or I'll have you arrested,
and I might even do it on air, live.
Imagine the ratings. I'd like to see you fucking try, asshole.
You're gonna see me. I'll kill you, I swear to god!
I'm gonna kill you! You treacherous little bitch!
You got one week to get your shit together.
Hey, you listening to me? I want the money. ( door slams )
Okay. Okay. Okay, let's do a little math.
You want 20 percent, Dale wants half a million, God bless him.
Dick wants half of everything.
I don't have a calculator, but it seems to me I'm suddenly in debt again!
Dale's money comes out of your share. He's your friend.
He's not my friend. He's his friend. I hardly know the man.
Who cares? It's all fuckin' moot now.
The only thing that's moot to me is the Dick Simmons issue.
CRYSTAL: Yeah.
You get a toothache, you pull the tooth.
What does that mean?
Let's kill the son of a bitch. Oh, god!
CRYSTAL: Yes! No!
Yes! One quick call to dale, and we're back on track.
Absolutely! Let's do it.
What is wrong with you?
He threatened us. Just remember that.
It is extortion. Does that mean he's gotta be dead?
We're not giving him half our money. What money?
That worthless scrap of shit we have? Yeah, okay.
Maybe it's time for your friend, the drug-addicted carpet installer.
Oh, Scatter. Scatter! Yeah! Maybe he could help us.
This is killing me. I have slept five hours this whole week.
Oh, god, here we go. I have dandruff with flakes this big.
I've gained two pounds!
Listen to my voice. I'm losing my instrument.
Shouting isn't helping.
WOMAN: Gig? Yeah?
There's a couple of cops in the club asking for you.
I'll be right in. Oh, great!
Now there's cops in the club. I've always wanted to give an inmate fame.
They kill the celebrities first and then they fuck 'em in the butt.
Will you just relax, please? There are cops always in this club.
They're probably arranging an engagement party. Yeah, right.
Just hold on a tick. Yeah.
STEREO: ♪ Toe to toe ♪
♪ Dancing very close ♪
♪ Body breathing ♪♪ GIG: Good evening, officers.
What can I do for you? Are you the owner?
Yes, I am. Gig.
Gig, do you know a guy by the name of Jerry Green?
He apparently is known to come in here.
Yeah, Jerry the bookie. Comes in here all the time.
Has he been in here lately, because, I mean,
nobody's seen this guy around for a while.
Ah...
about a week ago, I think.
Huh.
♪ Back to back ♪
♪ Sacroiliac ♪
♪ Spineless movement ♪
♪ And a wild attack ♪♪ Excuse me, you wanna get back to this?
Maybe ask another question or two? Yeah, yeah.
Where... do you find girls like that?
I mean, who'd do that kind of stuff.
Well, you know, it's remarkably easy.
You'd be surprised.
These two, I believe, we imported from upstate New York.
I was gonna say, they seem like... Albany girls.
Uh, so, anyway, we just wanted to drop by...
and find out if you've seen this guy.
Well, I'll let you know.
Although, with Jerry, he could be shacked up anywhere.
He's a bookie, for Christ s sake.
It was nothing. Nothing. The word "lotto" never even came up.
See, Mr. Crazy Man? Thank god!
They were checking on Jerry. A missing person's thing.
They asked about Jerry?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just routine. Not routine.
It's called a murder investigation.
No, trust me. Dale took care of everything.
They'll find a cure for cancer before they find Jerry.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Live from Harrisburg and News Center Six.
( news show theme ) Covering Harrisburg, New York, Lancaster and Lebanon,
it's News at Five with Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...
and Russ Richards with the weather.
( music continues ) This is News at Five.
Our top story tonight:
the body of a local bookmaker was found floating in the Susquehanna River today.
Police say it was definitely foul play and are following leads.
More on that story in a moment.
First, let's check in with the weather center...
to see if we can expect more of these springlike temperatures.
Russ?
Oh, yeah?
How about these springlike temperatures? What?
The uncommonly warm weather-- will it continue?
Russ? Russ?
Uh, um, wh-what was that question?
Thanks, Russ.
Well, it seems like we can keep those thermal socks in the cedar closet...
for the time being then.
That's right, Dan.
Police are calling it...
the crudest attempt to dispose of a body in recent memory.
Jerry Green of Linglestown...
was apparently bludgeoned to death...
and then dropped into the river with a small brick taped to one wrist.
Police say this was insufficient weight to keep the corpse submerged.
( sighs )
What time did they pull this bookie out of the river?
Scotty told me around 6:00. Ted told me 8:00.
It's like a fucking guessing game.
They pulled him at 6:00 and bagged him at 8:00.
Was he nude? Somebody said he had a t-shirt on.
Why don't you get off your ass and check the reports, man?
I'm goin' with nude.
I'm so glad this thing is finally over.
What does that mean?
We don't have to look for this guy anymore.
Gee, wouldn't it be great if we found out who killed him?
I realize that entails a little more work, but I'm just thinkin' out loud.
Has it ever occurred to you, chambers, that he was drunk...
and he just slipped off the bridge?
Hmm? A little thing called an accident.
Why is everybody around here so foul-play happy?
The man was bludgeoned to death, Lakewood!
His skull was bashed in, he had a plastic bag over his head...
and duct tape around his neck.
Keep going.
MAN ON TV: You're in a very small, select group of guys.
What is it that makes you successful...
and all the others knocking on the doors not so successful?
MAN 2: I'm not so sure.
As I travel around the country,
I see on television guys who would make good game show hosts,
but I don't tell 'em. ( laughter )
I think, to me, the analogy is a game show host is the icing on the cake.
But the format is the cake. No one--
( man talking on TV )
I'll love you till the day I die.
Yes! And again.
MAN: At 2:15 that afternoon, Johnny Clay--
( TV continues, faint )
He's expecting me. Come in.
I don't know why I did it.
It all unraveled and then one thing happened after another.
Jesus. I'm still in shock, boss.
I'm in so much trouble, Larry.
No man becomes wise without stepping on the soil of fools.
Right. Right!
But I never claimed to be--
That's good. Where did you get that? Is that from the Bible?
Actually, it's from this play I wrote in eighth grade about Evel Knievel.
Oh. What are you gonna do?
Well, I have a plan, I do.
But I need money. I need it fast.
So I was thinking about that guy who wanted the snowmobiles, the one in Colorado?
Yeah. Well, you think he's still interested?
Yeah, I think so, but you'd have to find some way to deliver 'em.
Set it up. Set... it... up.
DICK: A hundred thousand dollars? That's right.
You wanna sell me a lotto ticket worth $6.4 million for $100,000?
Correct. I want out.
However, this is a one-time-only offer, Dick. One-time-only.
I want the money, I want it tonight at the station.
If I hear any excuses, any bullshit comments like, "I can only get part of it"...
or "I need more time," The deal is off.
Be reasonable. It'll take me a couple of days-- Deal's off.
I'll get it, I'll get it. Good decision.
RUSS: Now, I believe that I have solved all of our problems.
CRYSTAL: Really? What century is this guy in? Why don't you pass him?
Put a motor on it, Jake!
A year and a half behind this freak.
One, I found a buyer for the snowmobiles, a guy in Colorado.
I'm renting a trailer, and I'm gonna deliver them myself.
But why Colorado? But, uh, uh!
Number two: the lotto ticket. I sold it to Dick.
Hundred grand cash. Now it's his problem. I don't think so.
Number three, which is probably the most important of all,
I'm leaving tonight for good.
Now, questions.
( tires screech )
You fucked up the whole thing! You screwed it all up!
Stop it! You crazy fool!
God, and I could've got a car and everything!
Hey, now listen.
If I didn't do this, we would be in jail
or at the bottom of a river...
with bricks taped around our wrists. ( groans )
And you know it. Oh, my God. You're so stupid.
Oh! Oh, Crystal.
We are under surveillance. Oh, yeah?
Yes. Last night I stopped by a convenience store.
A cop pulled in behind me, he got out, he followed me in...
and then he pretended to get a cup of coffee!
Did he pretend to get a doughnut?
Oh, you know-- You are nuts!
You need to see a psychiatrist. Oh, I'm nuts?
You can't handle this! What about this little puppy?
There's enough mist in this thing to save ten masturbators.
( rock music playing )
♪ Ain't no big thing To wait-- ♪♪
That's an ugly turn of events. Mm-hmm.
Mmm! What is this? ( music continues, faint )
Schnapps? What, am I in third grade?
Can I have a drink, please?
Let's just talk this through, shall we?
You're saying that Russ, in his infinite wisdom,
Yeah. Sold the ticket for a hundred grand.
Can you believe it? A $6 million ticket!
I've got more brains in my... shoe! ( grunts )
You know, Russ never really had the stomach for this sort of thing, did he?
Well, I do, and I want that ticket back, and I want Dick Simmons dead!
Do you hear me?
Fine. Fine.
Speed dial. I love it.
And I want his head cut off so I can hang it from my rearview mirror!
That's just your anger talking. Yeah.
Dale. Dale, it's Gig.
His machine. Oh.
Um, see, things have got a little bit sticky over here.
Slight change of plans, nothing that your deft touch couldn't rectify.
So either swing by or just return the call. That'd be marvelous.
Thank you. Great.
Slight snag though. What?
Well, Dale-- bless him-- has been doing favor after favor for us.
If it's not one thing, it's... the other. So--
So what's your point? ( sighs )
If he's gets the ticket back for us, we're gonna have to give him a little more money.
No. No way. N-O. That would only be fair.
There is a limit to my classiness.
Quite obviously. Shut up!
I'll handle this. You just leave dale out of it.
Bunch of morons. I have to do everything myself!
Hi. Well, well, well. Look who it is.
An old face from the past. What's on your mind, gorgeous?
Oh, nothin'. Just wanted to say hello. Really? That's sweet.
'Cause the last time we chatted, I believe you threatened to kill me.
Gee, has something changed since then?
Well, you really did outsmart us, didn't you? Screwed us royally.
I'm impressed, Dick. I'm like a lion that way.
I hide in the weeds, bide my time,
then I jump out and tear the ass off some dumb buffalo.
Ooh. So, Mr. Lion,
how are you gonna cash in that ticket?
I'll think of something. Don't lose any sleep over it.
Believe me, honey, I sleep like a baby,
'cause the second you try to cash in that little fucker,
I'm going straight to the Lottery Commission and tell them everything.
If you did that, angel, I'd rat you out quicker than a frog can take a piss.
Mmm.
What do you want? Halfsies.
Half.
Have you been exercising? 'Cause you look great.
Deal.
Nothing like rekindling an old friendship.
Hey, that's him. Wagstaff.
Wagstaff? Yes, Wagstaff.
Are you sure?
Yeah, light hair, 6'2", lives at this address.
You need anything else? Does he have a record?
You should read the report sometime.
Wagstaff was overheard
bragging about the bookie's murder in a bar.
Oh, what a jerk.
You know what would be unfortunate?
If we got into that whole let's-follow-him rigmarole.
( tires screeching ) Oh, perfect.
( grunting )
Oh, man! It's getting cold out, huh?
I never realized how heavy these things were. Yeah, 4-40s, you know.
K.C.-inducted engines, twin carbs.
Just touch that throttle and boom!
It's like gettin' a chick off.
Jeez, I hope that wasn't your sales pitch. Oh, yeah.
You actually said that to people?
Well, you know, just like biker types.
Huh.
Hey, Russ.
Check it out.
I don't believe it.
I thought you called for partly cloudy and pleasant tonight.
A backdoor cold front.
A what? A backdoor cold front.
Rare.
Almost impossible to predict.
The atmosphere-- a beautiful yet fickle beast she is.
Is that from the Evel Knievel play?
Yup.
( sighs )
( engine backfires )
( backfires )
CHAMBERS: Where in the hell is he going?
Beats me.
He's definitely up to something. Definitely.
We should call for backup. You know, it never hurts.
You know, backup, it's like an old friend.
It's like an old, comfortable sweatshirt you slip into on a cold winter's night.
Are you listening, chambers? Get your head out of the clouds!
Hey. ( moans )
Hey, wake up.
Come on. Wake up.
Fuck it. ( Crystal screams )
What? Wake the fuck up!
What is this? What do you want?
You know what I want. My wallet's in my pants.
Take the $50 out of my wallet.
And don't hurt me! I'm just sleeping over.
Where's the ticket? What ticket?
Gig sent you?
The fuckin' Tooth Fairy sent me, Twiggy.
Who do you think? Hey, please leave.
Don't fuckin' play games with me.
I'm hopped up on wine coolers and antidepressants.
I'm not feelin' good. Where is it?
I don't know what you're talking about.
You don't know? No, I don't know what you're talking about.
Do you like baseball? What?
Do you like baseball? Yes.
Who's your favorite player? Ted Williams.
Ted Williams. Oh, yeah. He had some swing. It was sort of like this.
( both screaming )
No, hey, hey. Hold on.
Just take it easy. I'm gonna call for backup.
I'm gonna go around the back. You cover the front. No, you're in cowboy mode.
Stop that! Wait for backup.
Oh, shit. Shit.
Shit!
Are we speaking the same language now? I'm gonna give him the ticket.
It's not worth it. Life's too precious.
Good girl. You see, that's all I ask for, a little cooperation.
Here's your cooperation, you mongoloid piece of shit! Aaah! Ooh!
Oh! Aah! Aah.
( door slams ) Police! Freeze!
Don't shoot! No, no! There's a raving crazy guy up there!
Just go kill him.
Aah! Ohh!
Lakewood, I'm hit!
Huh? Say what? Don't let him through!
Aah!
CRYSTAL: Somebody!
Get me a fucking robe!
Isn't it ironic? Yeah, ironic.
Just another word for saying you're getting screwed.
But so what, right? It's all over now anyway.
In a little while, bim-bam-boom, I've got this town in the rearview mirror.
Hey, take me with you, boss. What?
Yeah, a little Colorado road trip. No, no, Larry.
Come on. Let me go.
I'm practically a fugitive. I can't take you with me.
Well, Russ, today, yeah,
I'm an authorized Yamaha sales associate,
but tomorrow I'm just another guy...
boxing Peanut Butter Cups at Hershey.
Come on, Russ. I have faith in you, man.
Really? You would just drop everything to come with me?
Yeah, let the word go forth--
the Russ Richards freight train is about to leave the station.
New horizons, new conquests.
Ready to kick some new ass. Bob Barker, watch out.
Russ Richards is headin' west.
Now let's see what's behind door number three. Whoo-hoo!
♪ You brought me fame And fortune and everything That goes with it ♪
♪ I thank you all ♪
Come on. ♪ This will be No bed of roses ♪
All right, I'll take the first eight hours.
You ever driven one of these things? Nope.
♪ I consider it a challenge Before the whole human race And I never lose ♪
All right. Here we go.
Hey. Yeah, baby. ( laughing )
♪ We are the champions ♪
♪ My friends ♪
♪ And we'll keep on fighting ♪
♪ Till the end ♪
Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!
Whoo! ♪ We are the champions ♪
♪ No time for losers ♪
♪ 'Cause we are The champions ♪♪
So far, so good. Let's go. ( gear shifts )
( loud crashing )
I'm not gonna look.
I think that's a good idea. Yup.
( chattering )
Easy, easy. I got it.
Let's get him up.
Dick, where's the ticket? ( moans )
Answer me. He can't answer you, ma'am. He's been sedated.
Why did you do that? Oh!
Fuck.
Here.
Oh.
Thank you. That was, uh, very brave tonight, ma'am.
Yeah. He was an animal with an intent to kill.
No shit, the fucking creep. Oops. Excuse my French.
Um, can I give you a lift...
to the hospital?
Why? I'm fine.
No, I meant, to be with Mr. Simmons.
Oh, right. Yeah.
You know, it's kinda late, and I have a lot of stuff to do in the morning, early.
Stuff. Mm-hmm.
Well, we might need some more information, and, uh,
uh, I might call you.
I'm available.
Fantastic. Okay. Can I go now?
Sure. Thank you.
MAN: Get him out of here.
Hey, Chambers.
All right, hang on just a second.
( loudly ): How you feeling, partner?
I'd feel a lot better if I could get to the hospital. Could you make this quick?
We're all gonna pull you through this, all right?
Positive attitude-- that's everything.
Hey, pal, he got shot in the leg. I think he'll be fine.
Let's hope so. Be careful with him!
LARRY: What are you doing?
I'm trying to disconnect this trailer so we can get out of here.
( radio buzzes )
FEMALE DISPATCHER: Base to car six.
( groans ): What?
We've got a jackknifed tractor-trailer at Route 22 in Devonshire.
You're about a mile away. ( sighs )
Great. Now I got another 20,000 forms to fill out.
( grunting ): Why do they make these things out of metal?
Uh, I think it's twisted.
No, it's coming. It's coming!
Oh, I don't know, Russ. It's coming!
Shit! Fuck!
Why-- Why the hell is it snowing now?
Why the fuck is it snowing now? Fuck! Fuck!
( siren wailing ) Uh-oh.
Don't say a word without your lawyer, even if they beat the crap out of you.
Not tonight. Nobody's beating the crap out of me.
You get out of here. I don't want you mixed up in this.
If I go to jail, I'm goin' alone. Wait!
Your money's in your briefcase!
No, Russ, don't do it! Don't take that sled. It's a piece of shit.
Take the 4-40! Excellent power-to-weight ratio.
What? Two-year unlimited service warranty!
A fix-it-yourself onboard tool kit in the backseat! Okay! Fine!
This beauty is built for you!
Hand warmers, halogen lights, special all-track suspension!
Shut your trap. I got it!
Don't pull the choke. The lines are dry.
No, don't flood it. You said don't pull the choke.
Finesse it, don't flood it. It's like getting a chick off. We went over this!
( engine revving ) All right, you fellas.
It looks like you're in need of some assistance.
Get back! Huh?
Back off! Huh?
I said back off, motherfucker!
Hey. Hey!
Ho! Oh, man!
Give me the case.
Whoo! Hoo-hoo!
Whoa!
Hail Yamaha.
Ah, Jesus Christ!
This night never ends.
( grunts )
( siren wailing )
♪ Let me loose I just got back ♪
♪ I was pushed And I got dragged ♪ Okay, kids!
Now it's time to play the snowmobile game,
with your host, Russ Richards!
♪ Destination anywhere ♪
♪ So far gone I'm almost there ♪
♪ Can't you see I can't deny ♪
♪ I'm outta here Like I'm on fire ♪
Yeah! Whoa! ♪ Livin' like a caged-up Animal, criminal ♪
♪ Television newsman So subliminal ♪ Whoa!
♪ Bringing down the walls Of wonderland ♪
Ohh!
♪ Just another highbrow cowboy Tellin' me everything And everyone ♪
♪ And all the things I oughta be ♪
♪ Here I am Your demolition man ♪♪ Oh, jeez! Aaah!
WOMAN: Russ? Russ.
Russ. No.
Russ! Oh, my God.
How you feelin'?
Oh, you got pretty banged up there. That's beautiful.
We figured you'd be up in a minute.
You were singing "My Way" In your sleep.
You are so funny. You're as funny in a coma as you are on TV.
I can't believe I'm alive. One more.
You get it? Okay, you have a visitor outside.
I'm gonna get your dinner, and I'll be back in a minute, okay?
Okay. Bye. Yeah?
Okay, bye-bye. Bye.
Please don't upset him. I'm not gonna do anything to upset him.
You're in big trouble, mister.
No. Oh, god. Yup.
You're gonna have to pay for it. I told them, officer.
I said it was a stupid idea right from the start, but nobody listened to me.
That's good. Remorse. Nice candy.
'Cause, for starters, we're looking at three big ones.
Oh, god! Three big-- Three years?
Three hundred dollars.
What?
For the windshield.
Plus, there's this little baby right here.
You'll have to put that together with Scotch Tape, but it still counts.
This-- This is a ticket. Yeah.
For operating a class-two vehicle without a license. Weight class two.
Officer, can't this wait? Mr. Richards is suffering from a mild concussion.
We're talking. It's not even filled out. There's nothin' on it.
My pen ran out of ink.
Officer, I really must insist.
From doing paperwork all night, between you and saving your boss' ass.
My boss? Dick Simmons.
He's right down the hall here. Wh-why is he here?
Some thug broke into his house.
And broke both his legs with a baseball bat. Officer, please.
Boom. Was it-- Was it Dale the thug?
Well, I don't know. Some jerk with a plaid shirt.
But don't worry. ( imitating gunfire )
I killed him.
Oh, jeez, that's just--
Come on. Thank you. ( crowd clamoring )
Back, back, back, back!
Scoot! Scoot! Yes!
( stifled chuckling ): I can't stand it. Yes!
( loud clattering )
What?
( blubbering )
Dick, I'm back.
This is the lightning round. I'm calling the shots now.
Quiet, I'm trying to ski. Look, I got your money.
I'm gonna give it back, but I need the ticket. Where's the ticket?
It's my show--
Okay, this is the plan. I'm docking you for being an asshole.
And I'm docking Gig for having people killed.
And I'm docking Crystal for being a twisted, psycho bitch!
Starting today, I decide where the money goes.
If anyone doesn't like it, we're all going to jail. ( blubbering )
( gasps ) Give me that ticket.
Where is it? Where is the ticket?
I-- I gave it to Larry King.
Uh, no--
Don't you care to share your toys?
DAN: The search is over.
The winner of last month's $6.4 million lottery jackpot...
has finally stepped forward.
She's a waitress at a local Denny's right here in Harrisburg.
Pennsylvania's newest multimillionaire is Wendy Fawcett.
Thank you so much! I don't know what to say.
I've never won anything before in my life.
WOMAN: Wendy, what are you gonna do with the money?
I'm going to put some of it in savings and some of it in checking.
And the rest I'll be sharing with a good friend.
And who's that? I'm not telling you! ( cackling )
And we're giving a lot of it away to the Big Brothers,
the Sunshiny Day Club, Asthma--
MAN: Do you have asthma? No.
But many people out there do.
Wendy, how did you pick the numbers you played?
How did I what?
How did you choose the winning numbers?
Oh, I get what you're saying.
I-- Okay, I get it, I get it! Um, wow.
Uh, let's see, uh,
seventy-- seventy is because...
a cheeseburger deluxe with bacon...
is 70 cents extra.
And, um, 16--
when I was 16, I went to a party.
And, uh, nine--
well, nine, we all know, is just lucky.
Oh, man. And, um,
seven is-- I have seven Barbies,
not including the ones that got their face chewed off...
by the next door neighbor's dog, who's just such a great dog.
RUSS ( narrating ): So there you have it-- a story to tell your grandchildren.
Well, maybe not.
Dick Simmons was fired from WTPA...
after calling the head of the network "the luckiest asshole on the planet."
He now teaches communications at Pocono Community College.
Ethics.
Crystal married and divorced a sickly 80-year-old millionaire...
and sued him for half his money.
She testified he was a svengali,
a word she mispronounced throughout the trial.
He was like-- like this "Svenjelly."
RUSS: She lost the case.
♪ You're making My dreams come true ♪ Ten.
She now works at Gig's five nights a week. Seventy-eight!
No cover charge, free buffalo wings with coupon.
Thirty-nine! Gig bought an obscure stock called Microsoft in 1990.
He now divides his time between Harrisburg and his estate in Monaco.
♪ Listen to this ♪
♪ I've done All my daydreamin' ♪
♪ Oh, that sleep walk Should be over by now ♪
As for me, I moved to St. Augustine, Florida,
where it hasn't snowed in 50 years.
( engine starts ) And you know what?
I auditioned, and I was back on TV.
MALE ANNOUNCER: And now, it's time to play North Florida Cable's...
second-most popular game show, Lucky Numbers,
with your host, Russ Richards.
Hey! How are ya? ( audience cheering )
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Hey. What a great-looking audience.
My goodness, I'd love to take you home with me tonight.
How 'bout it? Tonight, after the show?
Dinner for 250? Okay.
I'll make the margaritas. All right now.
( narrating ): You know, sometimes I walk past an appliance store...
and there are 45 TV sets in the window, and I'm on every one of 'em.
At times like that, I say to myself, "Why me?"
I mean, "Why me?"
If I had to answer the question, I'd have to say, "Just lucky."
♪ You're making my dreams Come true, doo-ooh, doo-doo Doo-doo, doo-doo ♪♪
( rock music playing )
♪ Nights were warm ♪
♪ Dreams were easy ♪
♪ No one standin' ♪
♪ Overhead ♪
♪ Conversation ♪
♪ Didn't mean much ♪
♪ We were hungry But we could not be fed ♪
♪ Radio blastin' ♪
♪ Silly little love songs ♪
♪ We only listened For the beat ♪
♪ Takin' our chances ♪
♪ Out there On the mean streets ♪
♪ Hiding in the shadows From the heat ♪
♪ From the heat ♪
♪ We weren't lovers ♪
♪ Just brave strangers ♪
♪ As we fought and we tumbled Through the night ♪
♪ We were players ♪
♪ Not arrangers ♪
♪ And we jammed Till the dawn's early light ♪
♪ Swimming in the big lake ♪
♪ Taking it easy ♪
♪ Taking any comfort We could find ♪
♪ Didn't need the real truth ♪
♪ Didn't need the meaning ♪
♪ Straight ahead Ignoring every sign ♪
♪ Every sign ♪
♪ And, oh, I remember ♪
♪ I know you do too ♪
♪ Oh, that one evening ♪
♪ I know you do too ♪
♪ The moon flyin' high ♪
CHORUS: ♪ The moon flyin' high ♪
♪ And you took my hand ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
♪ You took my hand ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
♪ And it went all right ♪
♪ It went all right ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ So we walked out ♪
♪ Hardly speaking ♪
♪ Disappearing ♪
♪ In the night ♪
♪ Saw each other ♪
♪ A few times after ♪
♪ But we never Really got it right ♪
♪ We weren't lovers ♪
♪ Just brave strangers ♪
♪ As we rolled and we tumbled Through the night ♪
♪ We were players ♪
♪ Not arrangers ♪
♪ And we jammed Till the dawn's early light ♪
♪ Just brave strangers ♪ ♪ Early light ♪
♪ Just brave strangers ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
♪ Yeah ♪♪
♪♪♪
♪ I can't wait To go to heaven ♪
♪ Before I get my big reward ♪
♪ If I'm good I could ♪
♪ That's what they tell me I've been workin' for ♪
♪ When I prove That I can do it ♪
♪ That's when I'll get My big reward ♪
♪ Keep that big wheel turnin' ♪
♪ And my number Will come up for sure ♪
♪ I'm gonna get My big reward ♪
♪ Wanna get my big reward ♪
♪ Wanna have it all sewn up ♪
♪ Before I'm all grown up ♪
♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪
♪ Right now ♪
♪ Never mind The odds against us ♪
♪ I won't give up My big reward ♪
♪ We have to take our chances ♪
♪ We got a plan And we can make a score ♪
♪ I'm gonna get my big reward ♪
♪ Wanna get my big reward ♪
♪ Wanna have it all sewn up ♪
♪ Before I'm all grown up ♪
♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪
♪ Right now ♪♪